NORTH POLE - Jolly Saint Nick made a rare announcement from the North Pole this week to address crippling supply chain issues across the globe. According to Santa, supply constraints will limit everyone to two choices of Christmas present: a roasted chestnut, or a ball-in-a-cup.
"Ho, ho, ho! It's not so bad!" said Santa in a recorded statement. "Have you ever had a delicious roasted chestnut? A classic Christmas gift from the days of yore! Delicious! And ball-in-a-cup? What a delightful amusement! Who needs a Playstation or iPhone when you have such a delightfully simple game that you can play with your friends while you develop your hand-eye coordination! Ho ho ho!"
Santa then went off to cry alone in a corner.
Elves assigned to manufacture this year's gifts proudly announced that the gifts will have many great features. For example, one chestnut can be combined with other chestnuts to create a delightful handful of chestnuts. The ball-in-a-cup will include a multiplayer component, enabling the user to stand in a room with other people playing ball-in-a-cup to play ball-in-a-cup. Wow!
Santa said he is working hard to have a possible third gift offering ready for this year: t-shirts printed with the delightful holiday chant "Let's Go Brandon!"
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.