WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to an official press release from the Bernie 2020 campaign, presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders will be raising his staff’s minimum pay to $700 per hour. While some questioned the feasibility of the new plan, the release explained that this can easily be accomplished by laying off everyone except Bernie Sanders.
Despite tirelessly advocating for a $15 federal minimum wage on the campaign trail, Sanders has recently been the center of controversy after complaints by his staff that they were being paid only $13 per hour.
“Once I was made aware of my staff’s concerns, I took swift action to rectify the situation!” Sanders explained. He went on to say that he cares so much about “addressing income inequality” that he immediately began to work on the solution from his third home in Vermont, rather than waiting until he had returned to DC on a charter jet.
Many of Bernie’s staffers responded enthusiastically to the announcement. “To be honest, I don’t really understand what he was saying about laying people off, or what this pink piece of paper is for,” said Bernie 2020 Street Team member Renee Schuler, “but I really liked the part about making more money.”
“If there’s one thing this proves, it’s that socialist leaders always put the people ahead of their own self-interests!” said another staffer, just before being handed a cardboard box of his personal items and then forcibly escorted out of the building by security.
Shortly after removing all staff from his campaign offices, Bernie tweeted “Why does anyone need multiple campaign staffers? Just another example of capitalist greed!”