SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a beloved San Fran tradition, stores across the city are holding their annual 100% off Black Friday sale today, offering shoppers the opportunity to come in, throw as much stuff in a bag as they can fit, and run out of the store.
"Come one, come all, and check out these amazing discounts!" said the manager of one San Francisco Walgreens. "You can get makeup, electronics, Takis, sunglasses, you name it—even prescription medications!"
One shopper said she just had to go check out the savings on designer handbags. "Yeah, I don't really like going out in the crowds, but for 100% off, sure. I'll throw on a ski mask and some gloves and grab as many Gucci purses as possible."
What's more, shops across San Francisco are offering an extended return policy on all goods taken from the store during these amazing 100% off bargain sales, so that you can bring that big screen TV back if it doesn't end up fitting or you can't flip it on OfferUp for a tidy profit.
At publishing time, the stores had confirmed they will be holding this sale every day for the foreseeable future, or at least "as long as the Democrats remain in office."
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.