SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a move to make sure criminals are treated fairly, San Francisco has instituted a policy of referring to "convicted felons" by the much more politically correct term "elected officials."

"These convicted felons are finding it harder to advance to higher political office when we keep bringing up their criminal activities," said San Francisco Mayor London Breed. "We must ensure they get a fair shake at ruining even more people's lives when they run for Congress, Senate, or the White House."

The city released a guide with ways to refer to politicians' activities in a more positive manner:

• Stealing money is to be referred to as "taxation."
• Having an affair is to be referred to as "providing women opportunities for advancement."
• Taking a bribe is to be referred to as a "desirable exchange of money for principles."
• Starting a deadly war on false pretenses is to be referred to as an "environmental depopulation initiative."
• Kidnapping parents over truancy laws is to be called a "free parental vacation program."

The new language is to be used by all city officials, San Francisco residents, and the homeless population to ensure politicians aren't offended by any mention of their criminal activities. Anyone failing to abide by the law will be sentenced to continue living in San Francisco.