BEAVER WIND, OR - "All I ever wanted was to brainwash my kids into thinking all whites are racist," says Cindy Pencilton, wiping tears from her eyes, as she settles into the couch to watch another Netflix show. "And now, that's all threatened."
Pencilton is one of a growing number of teachers who have found themselves locked at home due to the coronavirus pandemic. Pencilton and others like her like staying at home and not working - but they're unable to do what they're really passionate about: teaching critical race theory to kids.
"Yeah, I guess I can just teach them over Zoom," she told a Babylon Bee journalist. "But it's not the same. What if a parent is watching? I won't be able to really claim their minds in the name of CRT unless I get a full eight hours a day with them."
"What kind of things do you like to do to teach CRT?" asked our journalist.
"Oh, you know. We sing songs about it. I take the white kids' lunch money and redistribute it to the other kids. Sometimes we just beat them with sticks."
"Isn't that racist?"
"Hey - you're not with The New York Times!" Pencilton shouted, realizing our ploy to get into her apartment and interview her. "You're just two short Babylon Bee writers stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat!"
The jig was up.