HELL—Seeking to add a little comfort to the eternal suffering and torment that one endures in Hell, Satan has just confirmed that they will begin offering Pepsi products to help quench the never-ending thirst of those who denied God.
“Look, I know we have all these people down here burning endlessly, so I thought the least I could do is offer them a beverage to help make their suffering a little easier,” stated a hissing Satan. “So I obviously went with the first choice for any human ordering a soft drink on earth, a Pepsi! It's literally the best soft drink ever made.”
As word began to spread throughout Hell that there would be an end to the agony of eternally parched tongues, many lept for joy. Quickly that joy was replaced with wailing and gnashing of teeth when they realized the only option was Pepsi.
One particular rich man began to call out to Father Abraham to send Lazarus to dip his finger in an ice-cold Coca-Cola so that he could cool his tongue with a truly tasty soda. Satan quickly told the rich man to “shut up and enjoy your Hell-temperature Pepsi! BAHAHAHAHA!”
As one new entrant to Hell arrived, he exclaimed in horror, “AGH, IT’S SO HOT AND MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE, COULD I PLEASE GET A COKE!?”
“Sorry,” said a demon on the wait staff, “we only serve Pepsi.” The lost soul sighed and said, “Never mind, I'll just burn.”