WASHINGTON, D.C. — The scab covering the still-fresh wound of his removal from office was ripped back open today, as Kevin McCarthy's long-awaited "Speaker of the House" nameplate finally arrived from the engraver.
"Really?" McCarthy sighed after seeing the finely crafted decorative nameplate. "What am I going to do with this now? That stupid engraving place kept delaying the order I placed at the beginning of the year. Now it's here, but I'm…I'm not…aw, geez."
Staff members at the U.S. Capitol reported hearing soft sobbing coming from McCarthy's office shortly thereafter. "He's been pretty bummed out the last couple of days," said GOP staffer Michael Hayes. "The delivery of that package with the nameplate was just the icing on the cake. He was really looking forward to getting that nameplate, but now it's just a bitter reminder of where he is now. Plus, everyone who has heard about it keeps razzing him by saying, ‘Oh, hey there, Mr. Speaker!' and then pointing and laughing. It's sad."
McCarthy was reportedly torn between keeping the nameplate as a personal memento to commemorate such a significant phase of his political career or simply selling it on eBay for some extra cash. "It means a lot to me," McCarthy said. "But I don't want it to just be stuffed away in some box forever. Someone should get to enjoy it."
At publishing time, more salt was rubbed into the wound after McCarthy received his first shipment of "World's Greatest House Speaker" coffee mugs.
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