U.S. — An emergency alert message was errantly sent to over 330 million phones today after President Biden accidentally hit the wrong button reaching for his Life Alert.
President Biden reportedly tripped while excitedly scurrying to the dining room for his mid-morning oatmeal, and found himself unable to get up. In a vain attempt to activate Life Alert, Mr. Biden initiated the National Emergency Alert System, triggering a message to 330 million phones. Sadly, none of those included 9-1-1 operators or Life Alert itself.
Despite physical therapy and forcing him to only wear sneakers, Mr. Biden's persistent falls necessitated the addition of a Life Alert necklace. "We had to do it, but it's dicey with all the buttons he has now," said White House aide Dylan Rogers. "There's the nuke button, the Life Alert button, the diaper button. It's a scary time to be an American."
At publishing time, sources say Biden was still in the White House shouting, "Help, help! I've fallen and, you know, the thing!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
