HOLLYWOOD — According to a Variety report published on "coming attractions" in the superhero film genre, the casting director for an upcoming Spider-Man film project has been unable to find an actor who hasn't already portrayed the beloved web-slinger.
"Say, what about Andrew Garfield?" casting director Jerrick Jones asked as he snapped his fingers. "He's a little old, but he can skew young and — oh no, I forgot about those two Amazing Spider-Man movies. Ugh!"
"Curse you, Andrew Garfield!"
Sources reveal the film rights to Spider-Man are split between every movie studio on the planet and they all want a piece of the pie. Sony and Disney famously made a deal to bring a version of Spider-Man to the Marvel Cinematic Universe while Sony continues to make animated features and movies involving other Spider-Man characters like Venom. Other studios, meanwhile, may only have the rights to a version of Spider-Man that performs sweeping kicks or who rides a segway to his job at The Daily Bugle.
"There are over 7,000 Spider-Man films in pre-production at any given time," admitted Jones. "It makes it really hard to keep track of who hasn't already played Spider-Man."
Jerrick Jones isn't the only one struggling. A whole team of casting directors work round the clock searching for new actors to be Spider-Man. Some agencies have given up looking for anyone right for the part and instead search for actors they are sure have never played Spider-Man at all.
"That's how I famously cast John Mulaney as Spider-Ham," Jerrick Jones said proudly. "But every new Spider-Man I recruit just makes my job harder."
At publishing, unable to find anyone new, producers were forced to draw a name out of a hat of previous Spider-Man actors and picked Tom Holland again. "Oh, I guess it has to be a follow-up to No Way Home then. Someone call the girl from Dune!"
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?