U.S. — In the latest development in the ongoing saga of a reported national security threat, the rumored Russian space weapon was revealed to be a ferocious bear duct-taped to a satellite.
The news comes as yet another terrifying display of Russian military strength, with U.S. Department of Defense officials speculating that the bear-taped-to-satellite super weapon gives Russia the capability to inflict significant damage anywhere in the world.
"This is the worst-case scenario," one Pentagon official said under the condition of anonymity. "If it was some type of sophisticated space laser or something, we may have ways to counteract its effectiveness. But a bear? That's a whole different ball of wax."
The bear, believed to be a fearsome Kamchatka brown bear, has long been thought by American defense leaders to be Russia's most dangerous military asset. "This animal, combined with space technology, is something we're not equipped to handle," another high-ranking commander admitted. "We've spent the last several decades building up our ability to counter nuclear weapons. We've made absolutely no progress in the bear-taped-to-satellite arena. This gives Putin a clear edge on the global stage. We're all at his mercy now."
Pentagon sources have reportedly begun scrambling to catch up to the Russians in this new phase of the arms race, including experimenting with dropping mountain lion cluster bombs and attaching alligators from the Florida Everglades to state-of-the-art intercontinental ballistic missiles.
At publishing time, U.S. military commanders were reportedly conceding defeat behind closed doors due to the fact that the country has no animal that can defeat a Russian bear.
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