MOSCOW — In a shocking turn of events, the mercenary army known as the "Wagner Group" stole Vladimir Putin's official podium in a brazen coup attempt.
"We've done it!" cried mercenary soldiers as they carried the podium out of the Kremlin. "For the Motherland!"
News of the podium's seizure spread quickly across the globe, with several outlets reporting that Putin's dictatorial reign had come to an end. "Putin has lost the podium -- I repeat, Putin had lost the podium. It's over, folks," announced MSNBC anchor Lawrence O'Donnell. "Control of the Russian government now belongs to that jolly-looking mercenary who carried the lectern out of the Kremlin. We are also hearing that Putin's refrigerator full of Smirnoff Ice has been raided."
Despite the loss, sources within the Kremlin report that Putin remains firmly in control. "It was just a dumb podium," said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu. "That said, I will have the guy responsible for the podium's security murdered. Then, I will murder whoever was supposed to be guarding the guy who was supposed to guard the podium. It's a wonderful system of government."
At publishing time, the Biden Administration had switched its support to Russia to see if the war could be dragged out a little longer.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
