Rosetta Stone Introduces New 'Bidenese' Language Course
Politics · Jun 2, 2023 ·

ARLINGTON, VA — Language learning company Rosetta Stone announced today it was introducing a new course designed to teach users the difficult language that had previously only been spoken by President Joe Biden.

The course, named "Bidenese," fully immerses the user in Joe Biden's unique dialect. "Millions of people are eager to find out what the President is saying," said Rosetta Stone CEO & Chairman John Hass. "We're excited to unlock this previously indecipherable language for the entire world."

Pre-orders for the course were already coming in by the thousands, with many of them coming from journalists, members of Congress, and foreign leaders from around the globe. "We've spent the last two and a half years having no clue what he was saying," said a spokesperson for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. "You can imagine how difficult it is to negotiate important policy agreements when no one on Earth speaks the other person's language."

Surprisingly, Democratic Party strategists were privately expressing concern that having the public at large know what Biden is actually saying may work to his detriment. "He's been able to sneak by using the whole ‘unintelligible old man' gimmick for a long time," said media personality James Carville. "If voters gain the ability to translate what he's saying, it could turn them off in droves. It would be disastrous for his re-election chances."

At publishing time, Rosetta Stone was also planning to create a course that would allow users to make sense of Vice President Kamala Harris's speeches, though the company was having trouble finding any living soul who could translate them.

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