WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest expansion of the plan to make America healthy again, RFK, Jr. has just announced his intent to reduce childhood obesity in America by chasing fat kids around with a stick.
According to RFK, Jr., the solution should prove beneficial for all parties involved.
"It's like a win-win situation," RFK, Jr. explained in his rasping, gravelly tone. "The fatties will slim up from all the running around, and if they get tired and stop running, I get to whup them with a stick. The success rate should be about 100%."
RFK, Jr. paused as an obese teenager entered his line of sight.
"Hey, you! Lardbags Maximus! Get running!" he cried, pulling out a large stick and sprinting after the kid. "Here comes Keeeennnneeeeddddddyyyy!!!"
The new plan has already cured over 3,000 fat kids in the Washington, D.C. area of fatness since RFK Jr. put it into the testing phase last week. Sources close to the project say that the limiting factor is how much time RFK, Jr. has in his schedule.
"He got to chase a couple hundred the other day after work, but we have to pull him into the office to sign papers and stuff occasionally," said Mark McKlivern, RFK, Jr.'s secretary. "We let him out to chase them with a stick every now and then as a treat."
At publishing time, RFK Jr. had unveiled his other brilliant new plan to solve the ADHD epidemic in America by going up to kids at recess and calling them retarded.
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