GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Breakfast pastry lovers around the globe held a moment of silence today after news broke that Bill Post, inventor of the Pop-Tart, had passed away at the age of 96. Post's surviving family announced that he would be laid to rest by being lowered vertically into a thin slot in the ground.
"He would've wanted it this way," said gathered loved ones with a mixture of sadness and appreciation for the man who invented the world's foremost pre-made, packaged breakfast food. The touching ceremony followed Post's expressed wish for his remains to be kept warm and toasty below the earth's surface.
"He had such a delicious personality," said one close friend. "Once you got past his crusty exterior and he warmed up to you, he was really sweet. You could always count on him, he was never too flaky. Whenever things got heated, it only made him even better. We're all going to miss the happiness he would bring to our lives every morning he was around."
Post's long-time coworkers agreed with the kind sentiments. "We all made a toast to Bill this morning when we heard the news," said a man who worked closely with Post for years. "Working with him was wonderful. Sometimes he would be a little too hot to handle at first, but after he had time to cool off, he was always enjoyable."
At publishing time, the finishing touches were being made to Posts's custom-made toaster-themed gravestone. Bill Post is survived by his wife, children, and his twin, who remains alive and will be kept in a foil wrapper and saved for later.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions