U.S. — New research has discovered that women will throw their support behind any cause, no matter how violent and sexist, as long as they get to wear a scarf.
"So, let me get this straight: this cause treats women as property, believes raping women an acceptable form of violence, and vows to murder innocent civilians - but I get to wear a scarf?" asked local college student Danielle Walker. "That sounds amazing! Sign me up!"
Though researchers had posited that women would be turned off to a cause where men take videos of themselves butchering children, they were surprised to find all hesitation instantly dissipated with the chance to wear a scarf. "We really underestimated the power of a scarf," said lead researcher Dr. Stephen Donaldson. "We could explain in graphic detail how this cause was hellbent on stripping women of basic freedoms, and they were totally on board so long as they could wear a scarf. They really, really like scarves."
According to Hamas sources, the discovery of the scarf's power has been a key ingredient to the terrorist group's success. "I still can't believe it, honestly," said terrorist Mohammed Deif. "We look directly into the camera and tell women in the West that we want to kill them or make them our sex slaves, and they cheer for us - because we let them wear scarves. It's incredible."
At publishing time, college girls across America had begun switching from Hamas over to new-edition ISIS scarves which were described as "so fetch."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
