WASHINGTON, D.C. - As COVID vaccine delivery continues to decline nationwide, Republican leaders have proposed a radical solution: a vaccination-by-mail program to cover all Americans.
"Since voting by mail went so smoothly last year, we wanted to apply those same principles to our COVID vaccination program," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "Mail-in vaccines will ensure that we have the most secure vaccination process in American history!"
The Republican proposal is simple: every American will automatically receive a pre-loaded syringe in the mail, along with a COVID vaccine card. Individuals will then self-administer the vaccine and self-report their vaccination status, all from the comfort of their own homes.
"Everyone will be able to receive the vaccine without having to miss work to travel to a vaccination site where they will wait in line for hours," McConnell noted. "Best of all, nobody will be subjected to any racist ID checks!"
Democrats were quick to criticize the proposal, saying a self-reported mail-in vaccine program was ripe for fraud and dishonesty. McConnell quickly dispelled those notions, saying they were nothing more than a transparent attempt to disenfranchise Republicans from getting vaccinated.