MEXICO—Kamala Harris has finally visited Guatemala and Mexico, though she still hasn't found her way to the southern border of the U.S. Luckily, though, it doesn't look like she'll have to, as she's singlehandedly solved the border crisis already.
Harris arrived in Mexico today and began cackling, causing immigrant caravans to all scatter and return home.
"The immigration crisis and our domestic problems are very serious here," said Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador. "It is a real problem and we need to figure out how to solve it."
Harris responded as she does to all serious issues: by cackling like a maniac. "Ha. Ha ha. HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!!!" she said, causing the president to draw back in terror. The upshot was that all the migrants streaming by toward the U.S. border also heard her cackle and ran for their lives.
"¡Dios mio - es el diablo!" screamed one Hispanic woman before seizing her children by the hand and running for her home. "Ay, ay, ay!"
Millions and millions of immigrants bound for the border all said they would return to their homes and not be seeking asylum in the U.S. for many more years, or until Trump returns as president, whichever comes first.
At publishing time, Harris had presented the president of Mexico with a tortilla depicting her own face.