FARMVILLE, VA — Singer-songwriter Oliver Anthony experienced the fickleness of fame this week, as Republican voters abandoned their support of him after he refused to get a "MAGA" tattoo on his neck.
"Who does he think he is?" asked angry conservative Ryan Ferris. "We're the ones who put him on the map, and now he's going to turn his back on us and refuse our demand that he get a massive tattoo saying 'Make America Great Again' with a picture of Trump's face? I guess he really doesn't care about his fans, does he?"
Anthony, who shot into the spotlight in recent weeks due to the viral success of his song "Rich Men North of Richmond," confirmed he had committed the unpardonable sin of not doing absolutely everything exactly as he was told. "All those Republicans seemed real nice at first," Anthony said in a selfie video from inside his pickup truck. "Then someone said I should show my loyalty to the cause by getting ‘MAGA' tattooed on my neck. When I said that might be a little extreme for me, everybody flipped out and started calling me a ‘lib.'"
Conservative voices on social media immediately called for a boycott of Anthony's music. "How dare he not fall in line?" screamed one user known only as TrumpIsMySavior. "If he doesn't do everything the way we think he should, then he doesn't deserve a platform or any support! Raaaaargh!"
At publishing time, Republicans online had gone back to lamenting the fact that there just isn't anyone willing to produce great conservative works of art anymore.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
