AUSTIN, TX — In response to a trend of climate protestors blocking roads and interrupting the daily lives of sane people, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has signed legislation making it legal to make them dance by firing six-shooters at their feet.
"If namby-pamby protestors wish to sit on Texas roads and block our jacked 4x4 trucks, they're plumb free to get a wiggle on," said the governor of the Lone Star State while signing legislation with his customary red-hot cattle brand. "Them climate morons best be prepared for a rootin' tootin' gun-blazin' whuppin' that's legal as all git-out."
The governor continued, emphasizing that by golly he couldn't set with allowing "wussy little wobblin'-jawed tenderfoot protestors" to decide how Texans ought to go about their day, and "if he allowed such bellerin' boot lickers to continue this farce, then he wouldn't be worth a hill of beans. Shucks."
At publishing time, Governor Abbott had announced plans to build even more hoose-gows to house the whole kit and caboodle of protestors spoutin' off horse feathers about the climate and whatnot.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
