U.S. — In an electrifying debate tonight, 8 Republican candidates competed for a chance to lose to President Biden in a shady landside mail-in vote in the middle of the night.
"I, Mike Pence, an experienced politician with impeccable integrity, am the best candidate to have the election stolen from me by ballot harvesters during the height of a fake pandemic in 2024," said Mike Pence. "I will lose with all the dignity and pride of a Republican. That's what America is all about."
"No, I am the best candidate for this important task," said Nikki Haley. "No one on this stage is better equipped than me to stand aside like a schmuck while the election is rigged by powerful tech corporations, corrupt deep state bureaucrats, and foreign governments to get a functionally dead candidate like Biden back in office. Also, I'm a woman! Vote for me!"
The 8 candidates then erupted in loud arguing and screaming at each other to the delight of cheering fans.
At publishing time, Trump had claimed victory in the debate and promised to have the greatest stolen election loss in history.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
