Republican Primary Debates To Be Held On School Playground, Moderated By Mob Of Jeering 3rd-Graders
Politics · Jun 1, 2023 ·

JOHN ADAMS ELEMENTARY — In the lead-up to the 2024 Presidential Election, the Republican National Committee has announced all primary debates will be held on school playgrounds and will be moderated by mobs of jeering 3rd graders.

"An elementary school playground is the ideal venue for debate," said third-grade moderator Aiden Meanie while scanning the Twitter feeds of Trump, DeSantis, and other candidates. "These politicians will relish being in an environment befitting of their rhetoric."

As the first debate nears, the moderators have released a list of rules to assure the debate maintains the dignity and respect of a school playground:

  • All questions will end with "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
  • If you say something at the same time as the other candidate you have to say "jinx, you owe me a coke."
  • No biting unless the candidate really wants to.
  • Crying is for wusses who will be sent to the wussie swing.
  • Nikki Haley is probably a snitch and won't be allowed to debate.
  • Name-calling is super cool and required.
  • Candidates must remember they represent The United States of America.

The Trump Campaign has already begun preparations for the initial debate and has published a video of their candidate giving practice wet willies and wedgies to his assistant, Roger Stone, who looks to be dressed up like Ron DeSantis.

Sources inside the DeSantis campaign have confirmed their candidate is hard at work with a list of "unbeatable" Yo Momma jokes, diarrhea rhymes, and an arsenal of spit wads.

Mike Pence, who is expected to officially announce his 2024 run very soon, has been bragging about a dirty word that he thought of but probably won't use anyway.

Other candidates expressed dismay at being grouped as "other candidates" in articles written about them.

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into... well, something else entirely.

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