U.S. — An alarming report from the Foundation for Communal Socialistic Equity has confirmed that Trump's signature "Big Beautiful Bill" will cause 175 billion people to lose their Medicaid and die horrible deaths.
Experts who wrote the study are calling on legislators to reject the bill before it's too late.
"It's worse than we thought," said Dr. Cali Parmesan of the FCSE on CNN. "Trump's bill will personally murder 175 billion people, and maybe more."
The study predicts that the legislation will likely kill all 8 billion people on the planet within a year of its passage, after which it will travel back in time to different ages to steal people's Medicaid and kill them as well. Some fear that the bill will then travel to other galaxies and wipe out life there, too.
"This bill will be a disaster for the human race, and possibly all sentient life in the universe," said Dr. Parmesan. "Trump literally wants to murder us all. Murder us with a spending bill. He must be stopped."
Trump questioned the veracity of the study. "I don't know who these fourth-rate researchers are, but they sound very low-intelligence," said the President. "They're dumb and they probably are very ugly, like a dog, and they don't have enough intelligence to recognize that my bill is the greatest thing that has ever happened to America. Maybe they hate America. Some are saying that, anyway."
At publishing time, Democrats overwhelmingly decided to support the bill after realizing that killing all of humanity would drastically reduce its carbon footprint.
Liberal Brynnleigh travels back to 1933 Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity.
