KANSAS CITY, MO — Tragedy befell a local house of worship as early reports indicated that what had been a perfect church was immediately ruined after it was attended by one human being.
The heartbreaking turn of events reportedly occurred as soon as the doors of the church opened for its inaugural Sunday service. Witnesses said the church's first attendee arrived by car shortly before the service was set to start, exited his vehicle, and upon entering the church, irreparably ruined its perfection.
"Up until then, it was a totally perfect place," said one eyewitness. "Prior to this guy's arrival, this church had no scandals, no disagreements… no sinful behavior! Once that one person walked in the door and completely changed everything. Now, it's totally ruined. Perfection gone. All everyone has are the memories of how pure and spotless this church was before it opened its doors and let in a human being."
Similar incidents have been reported over the years, with many churches existing in a state of perfection only to be objectively ruined by the attendance of human beings. "It seems to be an epidemic," said one theologian. "It's almost as if the very presence of people causes things to become imperfect and corrupted. Everyone looking for a church to attend should be aware that any church that seems to be perfect will be immediately ruined as soon as they go there."
At publishing time, a spokesangel for Heaven confirmed that there was a plan in place to eventually remove all imperfection and corruption from Christ's bride.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
