U.S. — With the polls closed for over an hour now and the tension escalating, Vice President Kamala Harris decided it was time to go ahead and switch to box wine.
"I don't know about Georgia, but my ol' pal Franzia is going for Kamala," said Harris, tapping the box. "Hoo-boy, how long have the polls been closed, an hour and a half? Let's float this puppy."
According to sources, the Harris campaign has commandeered hundreds of high-dollar wine bottles in preparation for the evening, but Harris has insisted on the three-dollar cabernet. "There is great significance to the passage of wine," explained Harris to supporters. "The thing about wine, is, there is great significance. Because, when you think about wine, there is -- wait, I need a refill. Someone pass the box."
Though campaigns have traditionally stored champagne for victory and the candidate's liquor of choice for defeat, Harris reportedly demanded nothing but box wine, to be served in either a Styrofoam or little clear plastic cup. "Come here, you little Merlot, let's snuggle up and watch the returns," said Kamala. "Whoa, look at Florida, going all pro-life! Some babies are gonna make it out of the womb there. Sad. Someone pull the tab and tap another box!"
At publishing time, the campaign had informed Harris it was only two hours after polls closed and maybe she should switch to sparkling water.
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