AFTERLIFE—A new report from the afterlife indicated that the television sets in the waiting room outside hell are playing a steady stream of CNN's 24/7 broadcast.
As people condemned to hell wait for their paperwork to be processed, they're forced to sit around idly as CNN is piped into the room.
"Look, we just want people to get used to being tortured for all eternity," a representative for hell said as he sharpened his pitchfork. "It's a little jarring to jump right from the world into hell, so we give people a few hours to adjust by forcing them to listen to CNN's reporting."
"By the time they've waited here for six or seven hours, they're usually ready to jump right into the furnaces," he added.
Analysts believe the only reason CNN is still around is because of the ratings boost they get from being played in airports, doctor's offices, and the waiting room to eternal judgment.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that it was all a trick and that the waiting room was actually the bad place.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.