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World
England Gets New King Or Something

CAMELOT (?), ENGLAND—Reports from England, which is an adorable little island nation in Europe somewhere, indicated Wednesday that they have picked a new king to be knighted or crowned or whatever it is they do to kings.

Presumably, he won the throne by pulling a sword from a stone or having a woman in a pond throw it at him. We're not sure if they still do duels for the throne, but hopefully, they do because that'd be pretty awesome. So it's entirely possible he had to partake in a sword fight or croquet match to the death to win his new position as England's king.

After the new king guy was picked the nation probably celebrated by playing cricket or something like that.

Some of the people who don't like the new king or whatever probably yelled "Bollocks!" which is like really vulgar there but kind of adorable to us. It's fun to say and we don't get in trouble for it. "Bollocks! Crikey! Bloody peasants!" Haha.

No one knows how this will affect Britain's main industry, which is... tea, I guess? Dramas with really short seasons? It's really unclear what it is England actually does. But Sherlock sure was fun while it lasted, and Doctor Who is pretty good if you can tune out the fandom.

Anyway, we're really happy that the English have a new king and we wish him and his knights of Camelot a long and happy rule.

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