SANTA CLARITA, CA—A new report found that every single student at Legacy Christian College & Seminary was engaged to be married by the third week of the semester.
While many Christian colleges advertise a guaranteed "ring by spring," Legacy prides itself on a nearly perfect record in getting all of its students set up with a future marriage by the end of September every year since its founding.
"From lowly freshmen all the way up to our upperclassmen, we're proud to announce that each and every one of our 1,700 students has found a suitable mate," said the dean of the institution Tuesday. "It took a little longer this year than usual, but they got it done."
Several students dropped out after finding it too difficult to get a mate, including one woman who elected to major in Bible instead of the school's prestigious Home Economics program. "The school has really rigorous standards, and if you're not focused entirely on finding a suitor, you start to fall behind," she said. "In the end I just couldn't cut it."
At publishing time, every single couple at the college had perfectly planned out their future careers and named their first six children.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.