U.S. — Sobering news has emerged from a report published by The Institute for the Study of Policy Changes Caused by Flags. The report concludes indubitably that "Don't Tread On Me" flags are simply not working.
According to the 300-page report studying the cases of thousands of Americans, the iconic flags have proven completely ineffective at keeping the government from treading on them.
"The findings that these yellow symbols of freedom don't work have hit the flags-installed-in-truckbeds community hardest," said Dr. Thaddeus Grimbt, head of the team that produced the report. "We have found that truck owners, gun owners, professed libertarians, and Ron Paul are still paying up to 40% in taxes to an oppressive government."
The report details the incredible unproductivity of flags, bumper stickers, t-shirts, mugs, and profile pictures when it comes to stopping government overreach. As a possible beacon of hope for the small government-minded, the report hinted that the IRS and other government agencies may shy away from someone with a coiled snake forehead tattoo.
At publishing time, flag-waving, independent patriots had responded to the dismal report by bolting more "Don't Tread on Me" flags to their truck beds and driving down Main Street even more.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
