WASHINGTON, DC — Organizers of the Presidential Groundhog Day Celebration report President Biden did, in fact, see his shadow after emerging from the West Wing late Tuesday Morning and immediately attempted to shake its hand.
"Hey lookathat," Biden commented to no one in particular. "It's old Bill whatshisname. C'mere Bill, let me shake your hand. Where'd you go, Bill?"
White House staff spent the better part of the morning trying to corral the President back indoors after photographers caught Biden chasing his own shadow around the historic Rose Garden with his arm awkwardly outstretched. At one point, Jill Biden grabbed her husband by the arm and escorted him away from the front gates.
"The President was definitely not trying to shake the hand of his shadow," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre commented. "He was just getting a little morning exercise like all the young, energetic, totally alive presidents before him have done. He would never mistake his own shadow for say, an old college roommate. That's a vicious right-wing lie."
As of publishing time, Biden had predicted another 6 weeks of ‘winterburgenphdtughergh' before heading inside for a five-hour nap.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
