BOSTON, MA — Currency experts in both the public and private sectors are now warning all investors to shy away from buying cryptocurrency, declaring it a complex scam hidden beneath a financially precarious investment.
"Beware! It's totally a scam! Don't invest in crypto," said tech blogger and crypto expert Braden Harwell.
UPDATE: Wait a minute. It turns out crypto is not a scam! "Yeah, it looks like it's ok now. Crypto is good," said Harwell. "Everyone should totally put their money in crypto, it's going to be the wave of the future!"
Analysts who had previously warned investors to stay clear of crypto are now championing its resurgence. "It's really the best place to keep your money moving forward," Harwell declared.
UPDATE: Never mind. Looks like it was totally a scam this whole time. "Hold on," said commodities broker Stan Braverman. "Oh, ok now crypto is totally bad again. It's a scam. Stay away from crypto! You'll lose everything. Get out now! It's totally a scam!"
The ongoing economic uncertainty and market turbulence around the world has led advisors to now urge traders and investors to not put their money into cryptocurrency out of fear for its viability and long-term security. "It's just way too risky. There are just way too many questions about its stability."
UPDATE: Actually, maybe it's ok now. "Wait a second," said economist Trent Starnes, "ok, it's definitely the wave of the future now. Buy crypto! Everyone needs to put their money in crypto! GO GO GO!"
At publishing time, new analysis indicated crypto was not a scam and should be viewed as the future of all currency, with experts encouraging individuals and businesses to fully invest in crypto which is definitely not a scam, maybe.
Please stay tuned for more updates.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
