New Law Will Allow Christian College Graduates Who Fail To Acquire Spouse To Receive Refund On Student Loan
Church · Apr 29, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

U.S. - A new law being passed in Congress will require Christian colleges and seminaries to refund the student loans of Christian students who failed to acquire a spouse while in attendance. 

"Every Christian man or woman who attends a Christian college does so for the express purpose of finding a suitable mate," said Arizona Senator Kenges Bugnor. "For too many young Evangelicals, they find that by the end of their time in school they are hopelessly in debt and still single. What a ripoff!"

Under the new legislation, schools will be required to refund students who don't find their "Boaz" or their "virtuous Proverbs 31 help-meet." Exceptions will be made if it can be proven that the student didn't try to find someone hard enough, or if they're just really ugly.

"We will also require schools to post their marriage rates online so high-school graduates can make informed decisions," said Bugnor.

The legislation may have some unintended consequences, though, as many Christian schools have already announced they will no longer admit feminists or men under 5'6". 

Babylon Bee subscriber Ben Mereness contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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