WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki reminded Americans that they must turn in their permission slips for eating a delicious grilled July 4th hot dog by this Friday.
"We know you people enjoy your hot dogs, but it is the top priority of this administration that you enjoy this food safely," said Psaki cheerfully. "With the COVID risks involved in gathering around the grill and the choking risks of eating processed meat, we ask that you please get a slip signed by your mommy, daddy, or local magistrate before partaking."
Those who fail to turn in their hot dog slips will be allowed to apply for a 1-week extension after paying a small fine. Any citizens caught consuming hotdogs on Independence Day without approval will be detained by authorities until the fireworks are over and there's only cold potato salad left.
Dr. Fauci later clarified that even though permission slips are being issued, eating hotdogs is "probably a bad idea" and you shouldn't do it.