ALBERTA—In response to a national sauce shortage brought on by supply chain issues, Chick-fil-A has purchased the Keystone XL Pipeline and will repurpose it to carry millions of gallons of glorious Chick-fil-A sauce to desperate Americans.
"This was a no-brainer," said CEO Dan Cathy. "Americans consume 32 billion gallons of Chick-fil-A sauce every day. This pipeline was just sitting there collecting dust, and we've given it a second chance at life!"
Environmentalists planned to protest the pipeline and its potential impact on wildlife, but then Dan Cathy gave them a bite of delicious chicken dipped in golden sauce and they instantly became evangelical conservative capitalists.
The new pipeline project is expected to create 25,000 new jobs and deplete the world's reserves of natural smoke flavor, caramel color, and xanthan gum.