SUN VALLEY, CA — Sources close to Hodgson Lloyd-Jones Johnson confirmed earlier this week that the Reformed 32-year-old spent the Lord's Day resting by blasting people in theological arguments online.
According to both of Johnson's friends, the former high-school debate champion honored the Sabbath with a relaxing rest of absolutely owning theological noobs in the cyberspace.
"Oops, I just rekt another reprobate heretic Arminian," Johnson reportedly said around 3:00 pm that Sunday, as he put the finishing touches on a treatise on supralapsarianism and the sovereignty of God. "Sorta pre-cooked him, if you know what I mean. Oh crumbs — here's another one who still believes in free will. Where's my cigar?"
While Johnson spent over three hours digging through his extensive library of Reformed theology to find a quote from Theodore Beza, he still insists that his Lord's Day activities totally count as rest.
"There's no way you count that as work, man," Johnson said. "These guys might have been predestined to get worked, but maybe God, in His infinite wisdom and compassion, appointed me to work them from eternity past?"
At publishing time, Johnson had finished his Lord's Day rest by penning a brief 375-page monologue on the regulative principle.
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