Record Number Of Americans Converting To Whatever The One Religion Is That Doesn’t Allow Vaccines
U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Polls conducted by Pew Research found today that scores of Americans have converted to the religion that doesn't allow vaccines, though many had difficulty putting a name to their newfound faith.

"Oh yeah, I finally turned my heart over to the, uh, God person," said longtime atheist Steve Book. "And he - or she? - definitely said no vaccines for Steve. It's a really important part of my new religion, all over the pages of that leather-bound thing, God's Book Of Rules, or whatever. Can I get my exemption now?"

The survey showed that while mainline denominations continue to see a membership decline, the number of people who believe in weird-sounding religions that might not believe in vaccines has grown exponentially. Pew reported that 5% of respondents selected 'Pew' as their religion, mistaking the name at the top for a new religion.

"Well honestly I'm a Methodist, but we're good with vaccines. So when OSHA rolls around, I'm going with pescetarianism - that's the right one, isn't it?" asked local x-ray technician, Rob Gough. "Yes sir, that's me. Guess I should look up the nearest pescetarian church in case they ask."

Healthcare workers in particular who already survived COVID have called for natural immunity exceptions to the mandate, but President Biden said that his wife is a doctor and she got the injection, no big deal. Plus, Pfizer's CEO has estimated that the naturally immune getting vaccinated will lead to the additional benefit of him getting this baller yacht he saw in Dubai.

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