WALTHAM, MA — A somber mood fell over one of the nation's foremost defense contractors this morning, as Raytheon lowered its flags to half-staff after Nikki Haley announced she was dropping out of the 2024 presidential race.
The aerospace technology corporation, which had been holding out hope that the world would enter a new era of highly profitable war, destruction, and death with the onset of World War III, was devastated by this morning's news that Haley had suspended her campaign.
"This is a major blow," said a Raytheon spokesperson. "We are deeply saddened by the news of Nikki Haley dropping out of the race. It is a dark day for us and for anyone who was hoping for a much darker future for the human race, and indeed the entire world. We have lowered our flags to half-staff in solemn memory of the dream we shared with Nikki Haley of endless wars and vast rivers of defense contract money."
In a brief statement, Haley also acknowledged disappointment that she would be unable to lead the country into a global conflict that would wreak havoc on human civilization. "It is indeed a sad day," she said. "While Donald Trump continues his quest to return the world to a state of peace and stability, we hoped to plunge the globe further into very lucrative chaos. I thank my dear friends at Raytheon for their support, the millions and millions of dollars they have given me over the years, and their ongoing desire to see the world burn."
At publishing time, Raytheon's parent company had already offered Haley a seat on its board of directors.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
