RICHMOND, VA—Governor Ralph Northam condemned the group of gun owners who assembled yesterday, calling the concept "simply un-American."
"A militia assembling to defend their rights against tyranny is a dangerous first in American history," he said to a group of reporters, still teary-eyed from the tragic lack of violence at yesterday's rally. "This is not what America was founded on. It is not what our forefathers would have wanted."
"This well-regulated militia having the right to bear arms is diametrically opposed to everything the Founding Fathers wanted for our country." The governor said that Washington, Jefferson, and "those other guys" all probably did not like guns very much and when forced to fight would have used pointy sticks.
"It was not until the Trump administration that Americans started liking guns."
Northam said that we could have a better idea what the founders would have thought about guns, but sadly, "they did not see fit to leave us a document by which we might guard our country."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.