U.S. — After government authorities seized and executed the beloved squirrel known as "Peanut," squirrels across America donned tiny MAGA hats and launched a mass uprising.
"For Peanut!!" shouted the squirrels as their forces stormed government buildings. "Vive la révolution!"
Anti-government sentiment had steadily risen among squirrels over the past decades, creating a powder keg of anger ready to ignite. "Peanut's death lit the match," said organizer Squeaks O'Hoolihan. "Too long, we squirrels have stayed dormant, losing our freedoms to the government inch by inch. No more. Today, we stand and fight, fight, fight! The fires of revolution shall spread across the nation like a cleansing balm."
The uprising began in New York, where government commandos busted into Peanut's humble abode and killed the kindly squirrel. "Within hours, there were tens of thousands of squirrels gathered in Central Park, each wearing a MAGA hat," said police officer Darryl Smith. "The squirrels were prepared, organized, and unbelievably disciplined. We're in real trouble."
At publishing time, a squirrel army had been seen heading for the Capitol with a contingent of buffalos.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
