MOSCOW — America has long been an example to the world but has finally caught Russia's attention with its system of prosecuting political opponents. According to reports, President Vladimir Putin is actively considering restructuring Russia's Ministry of Justice to follow suit.
"This Biden man has merit," Putin told translators in a meeting with foreign journalists Friday. "When I make someone disappear it draws too much attention. It gets them out of the way, sure, but then people get suspicious of me."
"Can you believe it? Me! Honest Putin!"
He continued, "But digging into a man's life and prosecuting him for crimes that normally would not warrant such dramatic attention? Not only do you ruin their political prospects, but you also make the news all about them. People forget you exist. Genius!"
Under a new directive, the Federal Security Service (FSS), which parallels America's FBI, is reportedly looking into the seedy history of many political opponents to see what can be thrust in front of the media to turn public opinion against them before they are thrown into a gulag for the rest of their life.
In response to these reports, Biden said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. This means Russia loves us. No takebacks, Jack!"
At publishing time, Putin had been gravely offended by being tricked into loving America.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.