SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A local man's heart was finally apprehended by the Almighty God today, as he humbled himself and turned to the Lord in prayer while sitting in his seat on an airplane and seeing an obese man with his stomach hanging out from his shirt making his way down the aisle.

"Dear God, please hear this desperate prayer," Ben Clinton was overheard whispering in a quivering voice. "I know I have strayed from your path and I have not been the man I should be, but…please look upon that big dude coming down the aisle and have mercy on me, Lord! Please, I beg you!"

Ben was relieved that his seat was a reasonable distance away from the screaming toddler sitting in the back of the plane and was even happier that the seat next to him had remained vacant. Once the large man stepped aboard the aircraft, however, Ben experienced a sudden onset of paralyzing fear. "No. Please, no. Oh, Lord, please no," Ben murmured as the big man continued to plod closer. "I'll change! I'll pray more! I'll read my Bible every day from now on! I'll increase my giving to the church! Anything! Just let this cup pass from me!"

Miraculously, the obese man passed by Ben's row and found a seat near the rear of the aircraft, proving to Ben that prayer works. "Oh, thank you, Lord!" he said, fighting back tears. "Thank you! Thank you!"

At publishing time, Ben was in the throes of a crisis of faith due to another person in his row chewing their pretzels with their mouth open.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.