SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Christian film studio and distributor Pure Flix announced Monday a new wave of barely watchable movies has been added to its streaming services.
The new agreement signed with several Christian film vendors combined with over three dozen original new Pure Flix efforts will result in hundreds of new faith-based, painfully bad movies streamed straight to your living room.
“We really pulled out all the stops to get these stinkers ready for you to stream,” Pure Flix founder David A. R. White said in a press conference. “When uninspired scripts, two-dimensional characters, and wooden directing abilities all come together, that’s when Christian movie magic happens.”
“The team at Pure Flix can’t wait for you to settle in with your family, pop some popcorn, and try to power through one of these disasters,” he added.
As part of the new and exciting initiative, White stated the company spent months looking for Hollywood actors well-past their prime to star in the unprecedentedly bad films, in each of which the main characters would invariably find their superficial, first-world problems totally addressed by praying a sinner’s prayer or having some kind of vague change of heart near the movie’s climax.
“We already have plenty of bargain-bin films for you to watch featuring C-listers from the ’90s, like Melissa Joan Hart, Kevin Sorbo, Kirk Cameron, and myself. But hoo boy—just wait til you see who we got to star in some of these train wrecks,” White said.
“We really scraped the bottom of the barrel this time.”