PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.
"I know you're all here waiting to find out if I saw my shadow and if there will be six more weeks of winter and all that stuff," Phil said, "but I thought you all might want to know that there's a big stack of files and folders down there stamped ‘Classified' and ‘Top Secret' in red ink. Not sure where they came from. These are probably important, right?"
DOJ officials scrambled to retrieve the documents from Phil's burrow as word began to spread among the assembled media that yet another hidden stash of Joe Biden's classified documents had been discovered. The White House quickly issued a statement on the incident. "These documents do, in fact, belong to the President," Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. "The documents were, indeed, temporarily stuffed into the burrow of one Punxsutawney Phil by an unknown person. The documents, are, however, highly classified, therefore I am not at liberty to discuss the situation any further."
At publishing time, Punxsutawney Phil was reportedly planning to give an exclusive interview to Tucker Carlson this evening about overhearing people mentioning "the Ukraine deal" and "Hunter's laptop" last fall as they were stuffing the documents into his burrow, but he was quickly subdued, muzzled, and forcefully escorted away by federal agents for waterboarding at an undisclosed government location.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: