U.S. — As the United States Congress considers legislation that would ban the popular China-owned social media app, progressives expressed fear that, without TikTok, they wouldn't be able to convince kids to join their weird sex cult.

Prominent personalities on the political left said their efforts to indoctrinate children into bizarre, hyper-sexualized alternative lifestyles will be far more challenging if lawmakers follow through on their attempts to outlaw the use of TikTok.

"How are we supposed to twist kids' minds now?" asked Rainbow Sparklefairy, a popular TikTok influencer who actively seeks out young followers. "What, do they expect us to hide in dark alleys? Pull up to playgrounds in creepy, windowless vans and offer kids candy so we can befriend them and entice them to learn about the weird stuff we do? Are they trying to take us all back to the 1950s?!"

Though members of Congress maintain TikTok's ties to the Chinese government make the app a significant threat to national security as well as the privacy of millions of Americans, proponents of the app have stressed how much more difficult it will be to poison the minds of children without it. "This is supposed to be a land of freedom!" Sparklefairy said. "If the government does ban TikTok, all the progress we've made in convincing kids to grow up to be sick and perverted will be thrown out the window."

At publishing time, Rainbow Sparklefairy had been arrested on charges of unspeakable acts.