YUGE NEWS! Zondervan has unveiled the Donald Trump Version of the Bible, finally giving freedom-loving Americans the chance to hear God's Word in the most beautiful, tremendous way ever!
The Babylon Bee has obtained an advance copy and can reveal the ten most inspiring verses:
- John 11:35 - "Jesus Wept. Which I have never done, by the way. Never wept. Not a weeper."
- Nehemiah 6:15-16 - "So the wall, the big, beautiful wall was finished on the 25th day of the month, finished in just 52 days. Everyone said I couldn't do it, but I did. Our enemies were shocked, believe me. And the Babylonians paid for it."
- Leviticus 19:27 - "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head, but rather let it grow long and golden, and swirl it across the top."
- John 14:2-6: "In My Father's house are many rooms, just like Mar-a-Lago, rooms worth a lot more than $18 million, let me tell you that."
- Mark 1:15 - "The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news. Not the fake news like CNN. They're terrible, folks."
- Daniel 3:1 - "King Nebuchadnezzar made a golden idol. It was so small. Only sixty cubits high. That's what they said. So much smaller than my towers. Sad!"
- Romans 12:19 - "Vengeance is mine on my first day back in office, saith Donald Trump."
- Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, unbelievable plans to bless you bigly. Yuge blessings. So tremendous. You'll get tired of blessings, believe me."
- Genesis 3:1 - "Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field. So clever, folks. 'Lyin' Lucifer,' I like to call him."
- Two Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. So much winning. Everyone says so."
The power of each verse just jumps right off the page. Go grab your copy of the new translation and drill, baby, drill deep into the text.
NOT SATIRE: Help Share The Real Story of Jesus with Dalit Children
The Real Story of Jesus is a special iBIBLE episode which reveals the story of Jesus from creation to Christ's second coming. It has been translated into Hindi and made into a beautiful, illustrated storybook. Prayerfully consider making a contribution to RevelationMedia today to help us distribute The Real Story of Jesus storybook to Dalit children in India. Dalit children are rejected by society from birth, and they may never have received a gift in their lives. You can help bring the hope of Jesus to these children to show them how much He loves them through sponsoring storybook distribution, along with The Real Story of Jesus coloring books! Click here to make a donation.
