PORTLAND, OR - Feels Bible College and Seminary unveiled its new apologetics course this weekend, a grueling series of classes where you learn to apologize for everything you believe.
Most people think apologetics is just the art of defending the faith, but Feels Seminary emphasizes the part of the discipline where you just say you're sorry for holding backward beliefs. The comprehensive program teaches you exactly what Christians believe about various topics and then gives you step-by-step instructions on how to apologize for ever having believed these things in the first place.
"We have the best apologetics program in the country," said the school's head of feelings research, Dr. Carol P. Meyers. "Most apologetics courses teach you to defend the faith, but we'll teach you to really apologize for what you believe, which is much more stunning and at least three times more brave."
"We put the apology in apologetics," Meyers added.
Key doctrines the classes will teach you to apologize for include the following:
- The virgin birth
- The crucifixion
- The resurrection
- The existence of God
- The Bible
- Miracles
- Salvation
- Sin
- Hell
- Heaven
- Creation
"Only through our advanced techniques can you make amends for these backward, harmful beliefs and mature to the point where you basically don't believe anything at all."