ATLANTA, GA—Local theologically progressive Christian Mandy Barton remarked Tuesday that she really wishes Jesus of Nazareth were as woke as she is.
Barton lamented that Jesus didn't use His platform for more virtue signalling and faux outrage.
"I have rid myself of all racial biases, prejudice, and hatred, unlike Jesus. He was constrained by the backwards racial prejudice of the Jewish people in the early first century," she said. "I have achieved a high degree of wokeness, a level of social justice awareness nigh unattainable by mere mortals."
"Or even by Jesus," she added thoughtfully.
While she admitted that Jesus had some "pretty good" teachings, she added that He never called out injustices like capitalism or a minimum wage below $15. "That's pretty concerning, to be honest," she said.
"Everyone knows your wokeness is measured by how quickly you call out perceived social injustice on social media," she said. "And I can't find anything in here about Jesus furiously tweeting to make Himself look compassionate. Nothing at all. Strange!"
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.