GLENDORA, CA—In a special rally held Wednesday, staff and faculty at progressive college Pacific Canyon Christian University welcomed its incoming class of freshmen, who would almost invariably reject the faith years after leaving the school.
School leadership thanked the students for choosing PCCU as the school that would undermine every tenet of their faith for the next four years.
"I'm so honored that you chose this fine institution for ripping your faith to shreds," said dean of student life Dr. Andrew Parsons. "We know you could have chosen a Christian school that actually teaches Christian things, but we're so thankful that you chose us instead. Whether you're learning about errors in the Bible in your science and history classes or having cultural marxism reinforced in your gender studies lessons, just know that you're well on your way to a successful career and total rejection of the Christian faith."
"You're all going to make very fine agnostics one day, and, Dawkins willing, atheists," he added.
The dean also pointed to the school's student life programs as a key factor in ensuring their students staunchly embrace atheism in 7 or 8 years. "Some Christian universities expect you to live like Christians, but not here. We're all about liberty and fun and affirming your lifestyles, even those that fly in the face of a biblical understanding of sanctification."
At publishing time, the dean had encouraged students to finish their education as soon as possible, since the school could go out of business "literally any moment."