INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Hot on the heels of Ted Cruz’s declaration that he has ended his 2016 presidential campaign, effectively assuring Donald Trump the GOP nomination, postmillennialists worldwide announced that postmillennialism is dropping out of the eschatological race and will no longer campaign to be a legitimate system of end-times theology.
“We’ve said we would continue on as long as there was a viable path to victory,” a somber spokesman told reporters at a Wednesday morning press conference. “I am sorry to say it appears that path has been foreclosed.”
“We left it all on the field. We gave it everything we’ve got,” he added. “But the next President of the United States—the most powerful person on earth, commander-in-chief of the United States Armed Forces, overseer of the American economy, and keeper of the largest nuclear arsenal in the world—will be either Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or Bernie Sanders. There’s just no way we’re realistically moving toward a blessed golden age of Christianity where faith, peace, and gospel-centered righteousness prosper among individuals and nations worldwide before the Second Coming of Christ.”
The spokesman didn’t say whether postmillennialists will endorse another eschatological interpretation.
He ended the press conference with a sincere, “Come, Lord Jesus.”