ATLANTA, GA — A United Airlines plane tragically exploded into a massive fireball during takeoff after the man sitting in seat 23F failed to switch his phone to airplane mode, FAA authorities confirmed Friday.
"One selfish person didn't put their phone on airplane mode, and now everybody's dead," said FAA director Billy Nolen. "Let this be a reminder that every single plane is just one errant cell phone signal away from detonating into a fiery, all-consuming blaze of steel and death."
Investigators report that the cell phone responsible came from seat 23F, occupied by Mr. Max Buford from Blue Ridge, Georgia. "The black box recording confirms that repeated instructions to place all electronic devices in airplane mode went unheeded by Mr. Buford," said United CEO Scott Kirby. "His failure to press that little button predictably resulted in a mass casualty event, as it always does. It's a tale as old as time."
At publishing time, experts had confirmed that up to 3,500 planes a day explode for this reason.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: