WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced on Monday that his administration had officially entered into ceasefire talks with the Democrats.
"I'm hoping they'll stop trying to kill me," he said. "It would make my presidency run a lot smoother if I could just be alive."
According to White House officials, Trump sent a delegation that included Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Vice President JD Vance to personally negotiate a ceasefire with Democrats. Rubio would reportedly be taking the lead in negotiations, while JD Vance would stand in the back looking menacing throughout the meetings.
"I think we're very close to a deal," Trump said. "I think we're going to have a deal that is beneficial to everybody. I don't get killed, and maybe they don't look like evil psychopaths. I don't really know what they want, that's why it's called negotiations. We'll see."
In keeping with Trump's famous "Art of the Deal" tactics, the president has reportedly opened talks by asking not only for no more assassination attempts, but also to live forever and to be officially installed as king. It was reportedly his strategy that this extreme opening stance would eventually be negotiated down to no more people shooting at him.
"You've got to ask for a lot with these people," Trump explained. "Democrats only understand 'stuff.' So if you're not asking for stuff, they'll think you're not a serious person. It's why I'm also asking for an extension on Obamacare. That will really throw them off. Hopefully enough that they will stop telling people to murder me."
At publishing time, as yet another hardline negotiating tactic, Trump had reportedly threatened to nuke the Democratic National Committee.
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